Essays
(and a Bit of Fiction)
The Allure of the Vampire
Big Beautiful Cottonwood
Christians Ask the Wrong Question
Church Services Are Held in Tucson
Cucumber God
David Dvorkin vs. George W. Bush
Do Dietary Laws Prove the Existence of God?
Dust Net
Eastward, Ho!
Germany - May, 2001
Gloob Died Today
God Must Exist Because Nature Is So Wonderful
Heinz von Jaegermann, War Hero, Political Candidate
I Can Hear You Now!
I Hate Faloobetijangle!
I'll See Your Arnold and Raise You a Jennifer
I Live in the American Heartland, and You Probably Do, Too.
It's Not Rocket Science
Jewish Money
Progressive Voice: an American Manifesto
A Response to an Israeli Response
The Revolt of the Robots
The SBOBU Economic Index
Should Atheists Celebrate Christmas?
Show, Don't Tell, and Other Silly Advice
Shrieking Zanies on My Screen
Telephone Phobia
That Night Is Not Good
The Aliens Beneath Our Feet
The Death of the Barber of Seville
The Final Solution to the Conservative Question
The Immigrant, His Country, and Trump
The Incredible Shrinking Publishing Industry
The SHUT UP! Movement
The Surprising Benefits of Being Unemployed
The Unimportance of Being Multilingual
The Very Lucky Executive
We Are the Nazi Hordes
Were I But King of Anglophonia
Why Do We Write?
Why I Am Not a Jew
The strange similarities and differences between these two men.
How Opera Colorado murdered an opera and then declared its intention
to become a serial killer.
Confessions of a former semi-deaf guy.
Just a wonderful dream. It will never happen. But America really needs it.
Oh, boy! Would I abuse my power! Would I make everyone toe the
linguistic line! And the punishments! Oh, boy!
Oh, yes, I've tried it every which way. It makes no difference. I still hate it.
I've always hated it. And I always will.
Why does P hate America?
And if so, which god - or gods?
I can't have a dog, but I'll always have doggerel!
Or anything else.
SBOBU knows all and tells all! More than the government, anyway.
A tribute to a tree.
How the mighty have ... evaporated!
Because nothing is.
I want my magic pill, and I want it now!
And a maverick and a straight talker, to boot.
God, no, I don't want to be president. But I don't want the Constitution to exclude me, either.
Unless you live in another country, but in that case, the odds are that you live in that country's heartland.
It was an incalculable loss to mankind. And did you even care? Hmph.
The circuses are obnoxious, and there isn't even any bread.
'Cause God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, all-merciful, and all-wise - all at the same time.
Throughout its history, the United States has struggled to deal with the presence in its midst of an alien and dangerous people.
This may not be the future you were looking forward to. Dust Net will
give us all instant, universal communication that no one can block,
and it will destroy all privacy.
It didn't happen the way we expected it to.
It's the modern golem.
Don't let them get away with it.
An immigrant reacts to the loss of his adopted country.
If you ignore all the parts of nature that are so horrible.
SETI looks outward. The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence looks for signals from alien civilizations elsewhere in the universe. We would profit from redirecting a small portion of SETI's money and resources to a much closer and more accessible target: earthly dust. We should be looking down as well as up.
No, vampires don't represent misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia, or addiction. That's silly.
Behold the Cucumber God surrounded by his worshippers!