David Dvorkin - George W. Bush The Astonishing Similarities between These Two Men (And Some of the Differences) Two men born on different continents, in greatly different circumstances, following utterly divergent paths, or so it might seem. And yet, although one was destined for obscurity and the other for infamy, there are strange, disturbing, almost supernatural parallels in their lives. Coincidence? Rod Serling? Who can say? Similarities   Birth   Both men were born in the 1940s! Education Both men have a Bachelor's degree and a Master's degree! (David actually earned his degrees, however.) Marriage Each man has been married to just one woman! (There are no gaps in David's record, so we know this is true in his case.) War Both men avoided service in Viet Nam! (Although David was almost drafted.) Women Each man is married to a woman whose first name begins with L! Athaledics Both men exercise! Neither man is a real jock! (But one of them pretends to be.) Cowboys Neither man is or has ever been a cowboy! (Although both have worn cowboy boots occasionally and, well, you know, pretended.) (But David did his cowboy pretending when he was a little boy.) Texas Both men have lived in Texas! Neither was born there! Horses Neither man can ride a horse! Both men stay away from them! Chills & Thrills Both men get the shivers at the phrase "Homeland Security"! (Different type of shiver, though.) Bravery Both men are physical cowards! (But David admits it readily and cheerfully. And on September 11, he went to work.) Spiritual Matters Both men drink alcohol! (David tends to drink a bit more whenever he hears Dubya referred to as President Bush.) Languages Neither man speaks Spanish! (But David doesn't pretend that he can.) Golden Age Both men know that the Clinton presidency was the country's longest and most profound sustained era of growing optimism, wealth, opportunity, and hope! Even the poor were getting a bit richer! Various previously excluded groups were entering the political process! The sinister hold of religion over the minds of Americans was diminishing! Fat cats were growing uneasy! (One of the two men felt that all of that had to be stopped.) Politics Neither man was ever elected President of the United States! More Politics Both men know who was really elected President of the United States in November 2000! Not to mention 2004! Differences (yes, there are a few) DD GWB Born to middleclass, honest, hardworking parents. Umm ... Fairly intelligent and well-read. Doofus. Liberal Democrat. Right-wing loon. Atheist. Nominal Christian. Fairly nice guy. Abrasive jerk. Works for a living. Giggles at the thought. Walks. Swaggers. Smiles. Smirks. Writes books. Carries books for show. May have read one. Has one admirable son. Has two contemptible daughters. Is married to the wonderful Leonore. Is married to some woman from Stepford. Admires the principles upon which the U.S. was founded and strives to learn more about them and about U.S. history. Huh? Understands that the American president is not the country's leader, for we don't have leaders. Rather, views the president as simply the most visible servant of the people, deriving all of his powers from them. Considers the presidential election campaign to be a long job interview, at the end of which the people choose their head butler for the next four years. Thinks president = king. Feels that "treason" is a very serious charge, to be leveled only in the most extreme circumstances, only in times of war, and only after lengthy and sober consideration of all the evidence. Often feels that even in the absence of war, seizing the presidency in opposition to the expressed will of the people and then trashing the Constitution just might suffice for a charge of treason. Feels that "treason" means "opposition to his will". Agrees with Churchill that democracy is the worst form of government - except for all the others. Has complained that things would be so much easier if the U.S. were a dictatorship - and is working on that. Never saw the movie "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight". Is part of the gang that couldn't lie straight. Considers the success of the coup d'etat that put Georgie in the White House and so greatly damaged the country is yet more evidence that there is no God - or, if there is, that He has some sort of grudge against the U.S. Believes that God has chosen him to lead this country in these perilous times. Considers the horrifying terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, executed by a gang of religious fanatics, to have been an awful tragedy for the victims and those who loved them. "Through my tears, I see opportunity." Real computer programmer Fake president. Has walked past a pig farm. Felt uncomfortable and out of place. Lives on a pig farm. Feels right at home. Has bald head. Likes to rub bald heads. Likes looking at female cheerleaders. Detests homophobia. Wears cowboy boots. Swaggers. Makes homophobic noises. Former cheerleader. Lifts weights. Wishes he could lift really heavy ones. Says he lifts weights. Says he lifts really heavy ones. Hopes that some day America will come to its senses. Fears that some day America will come to its senses. Has never lied to the Congress or the American people. Has never undermined the Constitution. Has never ordered American troops to illegally invade and occupy another country. Has never condemned the innocent to death. Has never betrayed the United States of America.