|Norilana Press, 2009||Ebook, 2010|
"If you hate George Bush, you'll love this book." - a satisfied reader
"A broad and bitter political satire. I was laughing out loud." - Denver Post
"Dvorkin has a savage wit, and he employs it relentlessly." - Analog Magazine
A cowardly simian in the Oval Office, dopey ex-presidents, scary televangelists, cute little monkeys, sinister old men with long, sharp teeth, and in the middle of it all, Malcolm Erskine, who thought he had such a clever idea.
Malcolm has not succeeded in life. He's mired in a degrading job at a huge corporation. His terrifying wife is putting an end to the dreadful mistake that was their marriage. He has published a couple of science-fiction novels that no one read, and now publishing house editors hang up when he calls.
And then Malcolm has his great idea.
Bookstores are full of New Age woo woo and books about channeled spirits and absurd self-help books, especially business self-help books. Malcolm realizes that he can combine these publishing trends with his ability to invent alien civilizations.
The result is Business Secrets from the Stars, in which Malcolm Erskine reveals the business wisdom telepathically imparted to him by the spirit of Lukas of Aldebaran, a business genius and top corporate executive who lived long ago in a galaxy far away. From the astral plane, Lukas want to pass on his knowledge through the mind of the only being on Earth pure and elevated enough to be worthy of serving as his contact. That would be Malcolm.
Business Secrets from the Stars is a huge success. Malcolm is rolling in dough. His ex-wife is trying to get back together with him. Beautiful women are flinging themselves into his bed. A certain sinister ex-First Lady is asking for his advice as she plans her own path to political power. Oh, what a wonderful place the world has suddenly become!
Meanwhile, back at the White House, Jibber, the oldest son of President Longlegs, is being groomed for power. In fact, Jibber isn't Longlegs's biological son. Or even human. He is a simian of an unknown species whom Longlegs became attached to while in southern Africa on a hunting expedition. Now the little chimp, suitably dressed in a little cowboy outfit and trained to make humanlike gestures and equipped with a fake birth certificate and a fake academic and military history, and supported by a press that insists that his meaningless gibbering is actually eloquent and moving English, is well on his way toward soiling the White House himself.
Meanwhile, back at the chapel, a deadly televangelist has targeted Malcom either for cooptation or destruction. The choice is Malcolm's.
Meanwhile, back at the boardroom, a rising young entrepreneur has targeted Malcolm for the same two choices, but he's planning to give Malcolm even less say in which it will be than the televangelist is.
Of course you want to know what happens next. To find out, use the links below to order the book. Lukas of Aldebaran and the Board of Directors of the Andromeda Corporation urge you to do just that, if only for the sake of your future success in the wonderful world of business. Also, the book will make you laugh a whole lot.
To read Chapter Nine of Business Secrets from the Stars online, click here.
For a pdf version of the first three chapters, click here.
Business Secrets from the Stars is available for various e-book readers.
The print edition from Norilana press is available from various online bookstores:
Or you can order Business Secrets from the Stars through any bookstore. Tell them to contact Ingram (the big distributor from whom bookstores order a lot of their books) and mention that this book comes through Ingram's Lightning Source division.
Please note that this book is published by means of Print on Demand technology, so it won't be on the shelves at bookstores. You'll have to ask for it. Bookstore clerks are still a bit confused about this whole Print on Demand thing, but it's part of the publishing wave of the future, so eventually the bookstore personnel should be up to speed on it. (And if you encounter some who are still confused, for the love of God, educate them! Click here to educate yourself first.)